Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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