Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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