he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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