Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
