What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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