She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
