i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
NoShamevember. You game?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Randomize