4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
