I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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