I wanna bring you to show and tell
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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