Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
