If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Randomize
