I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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