The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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