Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
