The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
