ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
