dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
