i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
