my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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