I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
