omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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