i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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