he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
