Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
