I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
What did we do last night that was yellow?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
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