You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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