he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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