i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
