I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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