so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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