Moan for me like Helen Keller
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
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