Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize