she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
should my penis look like a turkey
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
