I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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