I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
What a dumb baby whore.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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