Swine flu. Run for my life!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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