I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
