apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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