i love accidental penises.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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