I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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