Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
