I am puke
so that wasnt chicken after all
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize