i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
