I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
