Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
