Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Randomize
