I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
