just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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