I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
