I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
