I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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