There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
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