I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Ketchup is God's man juice
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
