the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
