At least make sure they are 18
Why
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
