Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Randomize
