Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Randomize
