i need an iv and a liver transplant
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
