u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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