Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
