he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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