I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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